you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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