omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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