i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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