I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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