I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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