I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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