Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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