Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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