The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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