I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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