hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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