Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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