why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
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