yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
