I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My friends, they love my intelligence
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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