so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize