I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
