Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
