Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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