If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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