have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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