based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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