I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize