wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i came on her dog
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
