I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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