i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
