Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize