seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
