I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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