My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
