There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
