There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
