I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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