god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
