omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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