Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
