Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
