I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
