Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
