I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
