Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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