you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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