this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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