You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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