is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
