Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
