i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
