He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
