they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
