i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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