At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
