Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
