i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
