I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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