Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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