my phone needs a breathalizer
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
