I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Randomize