i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
